The Book: one messed up naruto story
by Drin Scorpio
Summary: This story is an uber crack story. It is a story were Tsunade is running a school and random characters are the teachers. Also note that this story was written by me and my friends,All Character bashing and many pairings, so read review and enjoy.
1. The First Day

Spoiler alert: This story may have spoilers up to the latest chapters of Naruto available on the internet

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine, neither are any of the other things that might be on commercials or the internet or any character from other shows, movies or book that might come along.

The First Day:

"Tsunade you wanted school uniforms right?" Jiraya asked. He looked around, he was in Tsunade's office, and school would start soon.

"Ya sure whatever" Tsunade replied as she took the picture Jiraya had given her. "What the hell!" She exclaimed, dropping a cup of tea onto the floor. The picture was of a girl wearing a tightly fitting top and a very short skirt.

"Please make them wear it; if you don't I'll make a toad swallow you."

"Fine Jiraya, but what will the boys wear!" Tsunade demanded.

"A tie," Jiraya said.

"Is that all you perv!" Tsunade was just about to smack him when Gai appeared and said:

"They could wear spandex!" Gai looked around to see Tsunade almost about to hit him. "Wait, for gym then?"

"Fine," Said Tsunade disapprovingly.

"And," Gai continued, "the boys can wear a tie over there normal clothing."

"Sure," Tsunade paused, "can one of you tell me what this paper says!" Tsunade asked very loudly. Then Sasuke entered the room.

"They should all dress like me, because I'm so hot!" Sasuke suggested. Then Itachi entered.

"No they should all dress like me of course." Itachi sail calmly.

"Shut up itchy butt!" Sasuke screamed "They will dress like me!"

"So who wants to see my art un?" Deidara said as he walked in.

"Um sure?" Tsunade said. Then Deidara threw his birds into the air and they exploded, leaving everything burnt.

"Oh shit!" Tsunade moaned.

"My eyes!" Itachi screamed "I have shard of clay in my eyes!" I need a nurse!"

"You called?" asked Sakura.

"Hey wait weren't you at the other side of the school?" Itachi asked.

Sakura looked around and then said "I stalk you, I mean help you. Here's a band-aid.

"Um okay…" Sakura puts the band-aid around Itachi's finger.

"Yay helpfulness!" yelled Deidara.

"Are you all smoking something?" Tsunade said.

"Maybe," Deidara replied.

"Anyway what does this paper say?" Tsunade asked.

"Well Tsunade it is a list of the teachers," Itachi said, "I will read it.

Tsunade: Principal

Jiraya: Lunch lady

Sasuke: Drama teacher

Ino: Music teacher

Itachi: History/How to be evil teacher

Orochimaru: Health teacher/ Tsunade's secretary

Kabuto: Assistant heath teacher/ math teacher

Deidara: Art teacher

Gaara: Home economics teacher

Kakashi: English/Reading teacher" Itachi finished the list.

"Thank you Itachi!" Tsunade said. Everyone was relaxed, even though the students would be coming tomorrow, or today, no one knew.

"Who's that in the corner?" Sakura asked as she pointed to a corner of the office.

"It's me, Gaara the pretty girly home ec. teacher. Who wants muffins?" Gaara said.

And that is the end of the first day at Tsunade's messed up school.


	2. The Second Day

AN: If you want a disclaimer, read the first chapter. Also it might take me awhile to write this, because I'm transferring what we wrote onto the computer, and we're lazy so the original is in script form (which is hard to add detail to.)

The Second Day:

**In Itachi's classroom**

"Hey Itachi, I have just been proclaimed eviler that you," said Orochimaru who was having tea and crumpets with Itachi. Itachi got up and was not very pissed off at Orochimaru.

"Who told you this crap Orochimaru?" Itachi screamed. "You know I'm Eviler than you, I kick puppies!" Itachi had snapped and was now throwing things at Orochimaru. Then Orochimaru left.

**Tsunade's office**

"Hey everyone have some muffins!" Gaara said pulling out a tray of muffins. Everyone but Orochimaru and Itachi were in Tsunade's office now.

"Um alright Gaara," Tsunade said as everyone took a muffin and began to eat. Everyone was thinking that the muffins tasted funny, but since they were afraid of dieing no one asked. Then someone got the courage to ask, because no one else would.

"Hey Gaara what are in these muffins?" Sasuke asked.

"Well since you asked, I put love into these muffins, I also put in cicadas," Gaara said happily. Then he noticed that everyone was spitting out his muffins.

"I hate cicadas Gaara!" Tsunade yelled as she took the muffin tray from him and chucked it out the window. They happen to hit someone as they walk passed.

"Hey I spent all last nigh and this morning digging up those cicadas!" Gaara yelled in a girly voice that made a couple people laugh.

"I don't give a damn Gaara!" Tsunade barked.

"But it's healthy!" Gaara said

"We hate your muffins!" Sasuke yelled as loud as he could. Gaara ran back into the corner and started to cry.

"Come on Gaara, we had to fire Jiraiya from Home Ec. because all he could make was mashed potatoes and he couldn't even make them, bought those from a store!" Tsunade said.

"So you had to hire this um," Sasuke said "this man, girl, whatever it is." He finished as he was staring at Gaara who was wearing a spaghetti strapped shirt and a short skirt. Then Sasuke looked out of the window to see Ino laying on the ground outside. "Oh my gosh Ino!" Sasuke yelled " Tsunade, you hit her with those awful tasting muffins!"

"Oopsy," Tsunade said looking away.

I'll get her!" announced Jiraya.

"Don't even go near her you pervert!" Sasuke said very loudly.

**At the same time just outside the window**

"Why is this girl laying on the floor covered in muffins?" Kabuto asked to himself. Then Kabuto picked up one of the muffins and starts to eat it. "These muffins are awesome!"

"Hey Kabuto try my muffins," Deidara said as he appeared out of thin air. Then he hands Kabuto a muffin.

"Sure!" Kabuto said as he eats the muffin. "These are delicious! What's in them?" Kabuto asked, wondering what could make these muffins so good.

"There's crack, weed, and vampire in them… It's like what I smoke, except in muffin form. It gives me the power to teleport." Deidara said. Deidara was happy that someone else got to eat one of his muffins, but then again Deidara is always happy…

"Those other muffins are better," was Kabuto's final sane remark, for he is now high.

"Those other muffins had Cicadas in them." Deidara remarked.

"No woounder they is sooo gooooood!" Kabuto swooned. Kabuto then had a crazy idea, so he went to the top of the building and jumped of, as he landed on Ino. He did this again and again until he was sane. Then he saw Ino in a six foot deep hole. "Hey a grave!" he said as he buried Ino under the ground, then fell asleep over the spot were Ino should be.

Sasuke walked up to were his beloved Ino was, only to find Kabuto laying there. "What the hell… did Ino transform into Kabuto? I have got to start drinking coffee in the mornings.

Deidara who was watching the whole time started to clap. "Bravo! Did you make this play Sasuke?" Deidara asked.

"Um no… Were the hell is Ino?" Sasuke yelled. He looked around to see if his girlfriend was somewhere nearby.

"Oh she's six feet under."

"She's dead!" Sasuke wailed.

"Ya sure she's um dead…"

"Band-aid girl to the rescue!" Sakura said as she appeared. Then Deidara tripped her and stared to laugh. Then Sasuke started to ball his eyes out.

Ino awoke to find that she was underground and covered in muffins. "Ooh a muffin, yum this is good!"

"I can still hear her voice, Sasuke said through his sniffling.

"Sasuke?" Ino said, hearing her beloved.

"She was beautiful, I miss her."

_Am I dead? _Ino wondered, _and in muffin heaven? _ "Hello" Ino yelled, "is that you Sasuke?"

Then Itachi appeared and said "I can hear her too, Start digging." So Sasuke started to dig.

"Band-aid, la la la la la la!" Sakura sung as she walked around.

"Spongboob band-aid! Weeeeee! La la la la la la!" Deidara was singing too, but differently than Sakura.

"They belong together, "Jiraya commented. Then Sakura fell onto Deidara. "Kiss her Deidara, kissy kissy. Then Sasuke smacked Jiraya.

"Shutty upy now Jirayei," He said.

Then Itachi starts to dig for Ino. "Hey Sasuke stop playing with Jiraya and dig for your girl!" Then Gaara tosses Death muffins into the air for Ino's death.

"I will help dig!" Deidara said. Deidara dug by eathing the dirt with his hands, and face.

Then Tsunade looked out of the office window and saw Deidara eating the dirt.

"Hey Deidara Sop eating the dirt!" She yelled.

"Deidara if you don't kiss Sakura I will!" Jiraya said. Deidara just spat dirt at him.

**Tsunade's office.**

_Maybe if I didn't hire the cheapest people for my staff this school would start today. I think it starts tomorrow though. _"Ugh Itachi didn't tell me what the bottom of the paper says!"

"I will read it for you, Tsunade-sama!" Gai said. So He read the bottem of the Piece of paper.

"This is a list of you youthful staff. Oh by the way your gym teacher is me, Gai.

XO XO XO –Gai"

"Um okay…" Tsunade was rather freaked out by this and wished that she never asked for someone to read such a paper.

"The poor muffins…"

"Orochimaru why are you here?" Tsunade demanded.

"I'm you secretary, that's why I'm in a dress."

"Sasuke who's that girl in Tsunade's office?" Jiraya asked, "She's hot!"

"That's a guy, and it is Orochimaru…"

"Ew!"

The Second day has ended, the students come tomorrow… he he you'll never know what insanities will happen next


	3. The Third Day

AN: Silent.Crimson.Blood is one of the people who are writing the story with me. Also I have no idea when this story will end because we just keep writing.

Also sorry for the wait, since we are still writing the note book we are writing in has to get passed from one person to another via at school. So that's why it's taking so long for me to get chapters posted.

The Third Day:

**The Teachers Lounge **

"Hey, Jiraiyawanna muffin?" Deidara asked. He was sitting on a chair, eating muffins.

Jiraiya looked at him but didn't say anything. _Man this kids a weirdo. Should I start to make the lunches for today? Nah I'll wait but this is boring. _Jiraiya didn't notice Orochimaru come in and talk about how e was a secretary.

"Orochimaru," Sasuke got Orochimaru's attention, "Aren't you the health teacher?" Sasuke was glad he was a teacher; he would hate to be in Orochimaru's class.

"Maybe," Orochimaru said. Then Kabuto came up and smacked Orochimaru over the head with a ruler.

"Yes you are fool!" he says.

**Everywhere? ...**

Deidara walks around throwing muffins into the air. Everyone in the school eats the muffins. Then they say "Hey Deidara these muffins are so good. What's in them?" Then as everyone becomes hi Deidara reviles his semi-secret recipe.

"My muffins are made of crack, weed, and vampire." Then Deidara leaves, teleporting to wherever. Jiraya walks around the school, totally out of it and hallucinating. Then he goes around and tries to kiss everyone. Everyone in the school freaks out and runs around crazily, foaming at the mouth.

"I knew this day would come." Tsunade said somberly. She had locked herself in the janitors closest for no apparent reason, so she had not eaten any of Deidara's drug muffins. "Jiraya has finally snapped." Tsunade walks over to a wall in her office, she punches through it and grabs a bottle of Jiraya Be Gone spray. " Now I will," Tsunade stops to look down at a shinny penny on the floor, when she looks up again Deidara has her Spray.

"Yay! Spray candy!" Deidara spray some into his mouth, "It Burns! I wanna muffin, I made a new recipe, it has crack and puppies in it."

"Who wants a muffin?" Gaara appears and is still acting really girly. "Anyone?"

""Shut it already!" Sasuke shouts. "We've had enough of you muffins. Hey what flavor are they?"

"Chocolate."

"Yay Whoo hoo! Gimme, Gimme, Now! Now!"

In a very girly voice Gaara says "Now hold your horses' young man! Here you go! Enjoy!" He gives Sasuke a muffin, Sasuke shoves the whole thing into his mouth and before he even starts to chew the first one her asks for another one.

"Here's another one," Gaara hands him another muffin.

"More!" Sasuke screams, although the sound is barley hears through the muffin. Gaara runs away screaming that he needs to make another batch. Sasuke drops a muffin onto his foot and screams "Ow! What the fuck is in this muffin!"

"Um," Gaara starts, "rocks."

"You will die you freaky idiot!" Sasuke starts to chase Gaara but stops after awhile. Ino sits in a pile of cicada muffins not far from where Sasuke stopped.

"Who made these muffins? They are delicious."

"I did," Gaara says from fifty miles away.

"I want the recipe!" then Sasuke that those muffins have cicadas in them and Ino starts to gag. Then Kabuto come s out of no where with a ring and proposes to Ino.

Both Ino and Sasuke shout "Hell no!" then Ino looked at Sasuke with a questioning stare.

"Um… I have to um… go teach drama?" Sasuke runs off.

**Inside the school:**

"When is school going to start!" Ten-ten begins to run around crazily wanting to go to school. (WTF Ten-tens a student how is she in the school when it hasn't even started)

(End of chapter cause I'm lazy…)


	4. The Fourth Day

A/N: Hey I'm writing this story again…

A/N: Hey I'm writing this story again…. Well Most of it's _written_ already I just have to type it…

Also I'm going to write using script format now cause that's how it's already written and it takes my forever to change it so yea… If you have a problem tell me.

Btw Gaara has been taking Tobi's happy pills…O.o

**The Fourth Day**

Sakura: Here's a band-aid!! (sticks a band-aid on the wall)

Gaara: Someone help me make my muffins!!

Gai Sensei: Why are all of my wonderful spandex Gym suits of youth in a youthful bonfire of youth??

Lee: I'm wearing mine Gai-sensei!

Gai: Oh shut up Lee!

Gaara: You! You will come and make muffins with me!

Hinata: W-who… (looks around) Me?

Gaara: Duhhhhhhhh… Now go get some rocks.

Hinata: . . . Oo (runs around gathering rocks)

Sasuke: (Gets rock and throws them at Gaara's head) _Bonk Bonk Bonk!_

Hinata: (joins Sasuke) Hey this is fun!

Gaara: (Passes out after being hit in the head with several rocks)

Jiraya: (Throws a rock at Hinata who passes out) Hey Baby I'll Save You!!

Saskue: Chidori! Die! (Chidori's Jiraya)

**Later in a hospital**

Beep Beep Beep…

Ino: I can't believe you put Jiraya in the hospital!

Sasuke: Meh…

Jiraya: What The Hell Sasuke, Why'd you hurt me!

Sasuke: Cause you're a perv! Chidori!! (Sasuke Chidori's Jiraya… Again)

Deidara: Hi, are you on drugs?

Ino: Are you?

Deidara: Yup. Un.

Sasuke: How dare you talk to Ino in that manner! Chidori!

Itachi appears out of no were lighting fast and… um… catches Saukes chidori.

Sasuke: WTF how did u get here!

Itachi: dont no btw have u seen mom and dad?

Sasuke: O.o

Deidara: Nooooooooo Not the chat speak I hate the chat speak!! (On the ground in the fetal position)

Ino: (singing) This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny! Good guys bad guys and explosions as far as the eye can see, and only one will survive I wonder who it will be, this is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny!

Sasuke: (dreamily) Soooo Beautiful… Like a bell 3

Jiraya: Yea 3

Sasuke: Shut it perv! (Duck Tapes Jiraya's mouth shut)

Jiraya: Omay Ihll shuh uh ow (Translation for muffled-ness: Ok I'll shut up now)

End…

I know I might not be writing a lot. Also I'm writing this knowing some people might not like it. This story isn't very serious at all… so if you want to read a serious story of mine read a different one.

See you next time when our crack-lisouse school actually starts!

And remember children drugs are bad for you no matter how much Deidara says they're not.


End file.
